Sunday, June 10, 2012

Constantly in process

Maybe I have to keep reminding myself of this, that I am constantly in the process of being. Growing never stops; just because I've reached a certain level of okay, it doesn't mean it's always going to stay that way. Once I accept this, once I stop thinking that everything should stay still at that certain level of okay, that's when I get to the real okay.

In other words: Life is never going to be always okay, and that's okay!

***

These days, I've been learning a whole lot of life lessons.

I'm often unforgiving when I succumb to whatever negativity -- lately, it's been anger -- and I punish myself by, surprise, surprise, going deeper into it. While I've matured enough to know how to crawl out of that spiral, it still takes a pretty long while. At 34, you must know that you don't have a lot of that "while" in store.

The last few years of my life was about forgiving people. While I'm still learning that, this year, and maybe in the next few ones, I'm being taught to forgive myself.

So, I forgive myself for being angry, even as I embrace my right to feel that way.

***

I've been angry the past few weeks, first, because apparently someone told other people a lie about me. This person said I had said something about another person, something negative, but the truth was she said it herself.

I should be content that I know the truth, but I am not. I am angry. However, when another friend asked me, "So, what scenario would make you not angry anymore?" I was stumped. I wasn't thinking of going to other people and telling them she lied. I wasn't thinking in terms of "fixing my reputation." And, much as I entertained the idea, I wasn't really interested in clawing her eyes out or having a bitch out session.

If I couldn't think of a "solution," that meant I was just really indulging in a long, drawn-out, angry whine.

Ugh.

But the anger is here to teach me a lesson, and I have some reflecting to do: Why does what she did affect me so much? What button is it pushing? Why is that button letting itself be pushed? Most importantly, why does that button even exist?

I have an idea -- but I need to reflect on it some more.

***

So, I forgive myself for being angry. And, it's hard to type it here right now, but -- and I guess this is really my medium, how I express myself, how I help myself through the process, because as I write it down, I'm feeling so much better -- one day soon, hopefully in a few seconds, I'll forgive her too.