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I'm alive

Things have happened.

Some of them I'm happy about, some I'm sad about, some I'm not proud about, some I can live with, and the rest I'm still processing.

I think about mirrors, about how, I've been told, what you don't like in another person is usually what you don't like in yourself.

I think about radical authenticity, about how difficult it is, this business of going for truth and transparency and showing up as yourself in a body that is filled with fear in a world that may not be patient enough to understand.

I think about my relationships, about relating, about the people I've kept close, the people who chose to lose me, and the people I've been glad to lose.

I think about harsh words people have for each other, harsh words I've used against people and harsh words that have been used against me.

I think about how, beneath those harsh words, we really know nothing about each other, and that maybe, just maybe, if I saw that part of you that earned a term of endearment or if you saw that part of me that, I don't know, will never find it in herself to enjoy your misery, then we would think twice before saying anything hurtful.

*****

Tonight I spoke to an old online friend who's been going through a tough time in the last five or six years. I hadn't spoken to him since 2011, and he suddenly just appeared on my Yahoo Messenger.

He updated me on his life story, and suddenly my life was all roses, and I found it in me to feel compassion for someone once again. Suddenly, I was grateful for every aspect of my life again.

"Be good," he told me.

"I try," I replied.

"You've always been a good person," he said.

"You be good yourself," I said, "and I'm sorry about what's happened to you."

"I'm alive," he said, and I could imagine him smiling sadly. "That's it. I'm alive."

*****

I think about the faces I need to prepare and hate preparing. I think about some truths I can't say.

I think about how I am surviving, and how it feels nothing like living.

Then, somewhere in my heart, in that space that had sought to love you and failed without any regret, I think about whether you're feeling the same way.

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