The Brown Army was an army of people carrying light brown umbrellas, marching through our village to burn the houses of people who didn't show respect for Christmas.
I panicked because I wasn't sure what they looked for as a sign of respect and we hadn't put up any Christmas decor. I also wasn't sure what they meant by respect: Was it respect for general Christmas cheer? Was it respect for Christian tradition?
Soon, The Brown Army was upon us. One of them approached my house and planted a purple flag in front of it. "What does that mean?" I asked one of the topless firefighters.
"It's complicated," he said. "They use other colors for Yes and No."
I sat down and waited to burn or not to burn.