I'm terrified because of the typhoon howling outside our window, blowing away bits of our house, and so I'm scrounging in my mind for whatever comfort I can find.
In fear, my mind is asking whether in this pandemic all that is left for us is this endless struggle to survive, and I find myself despairing: That is not a life.
But in faith, I think of all of you that I have loved and continue to love, in big ways and small ways, whether you knew it or not. And the wind is howling terribly outside our window, but I'm finding little nuggets of peace inside my heart.
I have a good, though small, life. I've had big joys and small joys. I've had quiet loves and great loves.
I guess that is really how one measures one's life?
If I regret anything, it's only that I could have been kinder. And maybe nastier to those who deserved it. Or maybe I wish I had been more honest--both in being kind and in ... not.
I wish I had been more honest with how I feel about people.
This day is ending with a lot of fear, but there was also much joy, both additional and continuing: I have a new nephew born today, Andres Gabriel, and my six-year-old niece Kiara lost her second front tooth.
I used to watch Oprah, back when Studio 23 was airing it and her show was the only positive thing you could see on TV. In one episode, she or a guest mentioned a Christian song that helped her find forgiveness for people who had hurt her and wish them well.
When I saw that episode, I was hurting and bitter over someone I can barely remember (I was so young!), and I was struggling for the good in me to overcome the bad because I knew it would be better for me in the long run. So I paid attention.
The song is called, "I Need You to Survive." Maybe it's that S word in the title, but after not having thought of the song in years, I've found myself thinking of it a lot lately. I'll link it below.
I'm going to try to sleep now. Or maybe find out how long the wind is supposed to be blowing this way.