Laughter is the best medicine

One of the surgeons who took care of me was a very serious fifth-year resident. He would barrel into the room all business-like without saying a word and just check on my wounds.

You know what broke the ice?

I have a scar that runs from below my sternum to my lower abdomen. It had healed up cleanly, but one part of it had my mother worried. 

I should say that the main reason for my prolonged hospital stay was infection. I had a drain that looked like it was healing, but it suddenly oozed pus, so we monitored each wound closely.

Doctor: Mukhang maayos na. (It already looks good.)

Mom: Pero may part na kulu-kulubot, Doc. Ano iyan? (But there's a wrinkled part, Doc. What is that?)

Doctor, concerned: Saan? (Where?)

My mom pointed.

Doctor, laughing: Pusod niya 'yan! (That's her bellybutton!)

Things I remember from when I was sleeping

It's true, I suppose, that the sense of hearing is the last to go. But I also heard and felt things that my brain translated... differently.

1. People telling me to fight ("Laban, Dat!")

It was different people, with varying inflections. I remember Sherwil the most, and I find it funny now that I also felt her stress. I'm not sure she actually said this (she definitely told me to fight hard: "Galingan mo lumaban!"). But I also heard in her voice a tearful, "Dami ko na iniisip, dumagdag pa ito." 

My nieces Keona and Kiara telling me to wake up because we had to go back to Crosta Pizzeria and I had promised we would explore Cubao. 

My sister Kai telling me she needed my help to fix her CV so I needed to wake up.

2. Nurses checking on me and giving me sponge baths

They often checked my temperature using an ear thermometer, usually twisting it several times to get it in the right position. I wondered why they were sticking their long tongues in my ear.  

I heard voices whispering, with urgency, "Sa pwet! Sa pwet!" I mentally replied, "What happened to my pwet?" This was followed by the feeling of a finger unceremoniously stabbing at my butt area. "It has come to this," I thought, "whatever this is." 

I texted Sherwil--in my mind, of course--just to tell her how invasive being hospitalized was. I wasn't complaining; it was all bewilderment. 

3. Being given the Sacrament of The Anointing of the Sick

I heard the priest's voice, and I thought, "Is this the Last Rites?" Then I thought, "Oh, okay," and leaned into it. It was actually comforting. It filled me with a sense of peace.

(Five stars; I would recommend. Better if you get all three sacraments in one go: Anointing of the Sick, Confession, and Holy Communion. I didn't. The other two were to follow, when I woke up.)

But I also imagined the priest showing me a huge amethyst geode and my thinking, "That's my mother's birthstone." 

4. The visitation of Butch Pang, now a pastor

Right after the Anointing of the Sick, Butch arrived, welcomed by my mother. She didn't know him, but she knows about UP Quill, and he introduced himself as an orgmate.

I remember him saying, "What happened, princess? What happened?" Then he kissed me on the forehead and prayed for me. 

It filled me with so much love that I felt like I was being lifted up by clouds, smiling in gratitude for my small life. Soon, I felt a good, self-compassionate regret washing over me. 

It was like I was looking down at my life. I thought, "Sayang, I should've just enjoyed life and everything it threw my way. I should've been more open, less shy, unworried, more brave." 

5. People telling me they loved me and that other people loved me

I know.

Well, now I know. 

Thank you, and I love you too. ♥️

Seeing Death

It took me a while to tell anyone this because I was completely unnerved: I saw Kamatayan (the Filipino personification of Death) in the ICU. He just stood there, in the left corner of my room, wearing a black hooded robe and wielding his scythe. I was surprised, and "Ngee!" was the word that my brain came up with.

At this point in my hospital stay--after nine days in a coma and major surgery--I was just beginning to understand how close I had come to dying and contemplating how strong my will was to live. I had fought well, I'd been told by doctors and my loved ones, but I remembered nothing of this fight.

And now, here was Kamatayan, in the room with me.

"Is this for real?" I tried to rationalize. "If this is real, then other beliefs about dying must be real as well, right?" 

Beliefs like when one is about to die, family members who had gone ahead would come to get you. But where were Lolo Lino, Daddy, and Uncle Jessie? If I was going, I wanted to be going with them. 

Then, I realized I didn't want to be going at all. Not this way. Not yet. 

To fight, I decided not to sleep that night. And the next. And the night after that. I'd sleep only when there were people with me, during daytime. I'd look at the clock and congratulate myself once the long hand moved past midnight. It was a new day, another day I was alive. Take that, Kamatayan.

When I was afraid, I prayed. I called on God and all of my favorite saints. Even St. Michael the Archangel. I couldn't recall any specific prayers, but I called on all of them, making a litany of their names: Jesus, Mother Mary, Padre Pio, St. Jude, St. Therese, St. Benedict ...

On the third night, I felt a man's gloved hands gently hold my face and heard a kind but assertive and slightly amused voice say, as if I had bugged them enough, "Here's your damn miracle." Then an angel came and covered me with his wings.

Kamatayan was gone. 

A few weeks later, I told a friend what I had seen. She asked me, "Are you sure it wasn't a nightmare?" 

I'm almost always never sure of anything, I've come to realize, if left to my own devices. But these past months have given me the gift of faith. Faith that is sure even when things appear uncertain.

Some time after that, I told another friend. I said I probably was just dreaming, but then I was also lucid and there was this matter of my staying awake. "Well, in liminal moments, everything is possible," he said. "Trust your vision." 

So, I trust. And keep faith.

And now, I can tell this story and laugh because the first thing I said, seeing Kamatayan, was "Ngee!"

'Let us love one another and let go'

Tigers
By Eliza Griswol 

What are we now but voices 

who promise each other a life 

neither one can deliver 

not for lack of wanting 

but wanting won’t make it so. 

We cling to a vine at the cliff’s edge. 

There are tigers above and below. 

Let us love one another and let go.

My theme for 2026: Dare

I haven't blogged in forever, but I've been thinking about what my theme for 2026 would be. I already know it's going to be a year like no other because of my health condition, so I was trying out the word "audacity" but I couldn't shake off the negative connotation, especially for the TikTok generation.

So. I'm choosing "dare" instead. Like, yes, I will dare disturb the Universe.