Lent

"If today you hear his voice, harden not your hearts." Psalms 95:8

This verse appeared in today's readings, and how appropriate because it's the psalm that I would say has always haunted me ever since I became a lukewarm Catholic. 

The few times I'd hear mass over the years, I'd either hear this verse or see it written somewhere in the church. Is this a sign, I would always wonder. 

I don't know if I have hardened my heart against my Catholic faith; I feel that even when I wasn't practicing as much, I've always been praying and cultivating a relationship with God. 

Or maybe that's just what I think. And maybe this is why I am where I am now, almost inexplicably drawn to celebrate Lent in a way that is in keeping with Catholic tradition, hopeful to gain something at the end of 40 days. 

To be honest, my heart isn't entirely in it, but I feel like I just have to show up. What else could I lose?

If it's a broken heart then face it

On the bus, I spot a tube man flailing around in front of a newly opened shop. It reminds me of my niece, who, as a toddler, was scared of one we saw at a gas station during a pit stop. It's just a dancing balloon, I told her, it's funny. But she was terrified and we stayed away.

Weeks later, she would come to me hugging my four-foot long tube pillow, waving it about. What are you doing, I would ask her, not remembering. Auntie Dat, she would say, all laughter and glee, it's a dancing balloon! 

I haven't had the best week at work and in my life. I want to stay away, scared, but now, thanks to this random memory, I'm embracing this dark cloud inside me and waving it about. 

Ask me what I'm doing so I can tell you this: It's just a broken heart; one day, it will be funny.

"Everyone forgets that Icarus also flew"

Failing and Flying
By Jack Gilbert

Everyone forgets that Icarus also flew.
It's the same when love comes to an end,
or the marriage fails and people say
they knew it was a mistake, that everybody
said it would never work. That she was
old enough to know better. But anything
worth doing is worth doing badly.
Like being there by that summer ocean
on the other side of the island while
love was fading out of her, the stars
burning so extravagantly those nights that
anyone could tell you they would never last.
Every morning she was asleep in my bed
like a visitation, the gentleness in her
like antelope standing in the dawn mist.
Each afternoon I watched her coming back
through the hot stony field after swimming,
the sea light behind her and the huge sky
on the other side of that. Listened to her
while we ate lunch. How can they say
the marriage failed? Like the people who
came back from Provence (when it was Provence)
and said it was pretty but the food was greasy.
I believe Icarus was not failing as he fell,
but just coming to the end of his triumph.

"I love you. I'm glad I exist."

The Orange
By Wendy Cope

At lunchtime I bought a huge orange—
The size of it made us all laugh.
I peeled it and shared it with Robert and Dave—
They got quarters and I had a half.

And that orange, it made me so happy,
As ordinary things often do
Just lately. The shopping. A walk in the park.
This is peace and contentment. It's new.

The rest of the day was quite easy.
I did all the jobs on my list
And enjoyed them and had some time over.
I love you. I'm glad I exist.

Some words for things

It's been a while. I know of only one person who still follows this blog, but I feel like giving an update on my life anyway. My apologies if it comes in fragments.

The day after my last entry, I started a new job with a BPO in Bonifacio Global City. It coincided with the flurry of events leading to my older brother's May 4 wedding, the best part of which was that my aunt and cousin from the United States came and stayed for three weeks.

My schedule was crazy for a good part of April and May, and, because work starts at 7am, I had to learn to become a morning person again, after years of working on my own time and, before that, on mid-shift.

All the changes in place and time meant that every little protective ritual I'd carefully built around my life as 2019 rolled in came crashing down.

This is not a complaint; quite the opposite, in fact. When I think of everything that has happened since, I feel grateful.

***

I worked freelance for close to five years because I wanted to take a break from a routine that had left me feeling unsettled and a little bit confused.

It was an adventure I'm happy I embarked on, even after realizing it wasn't for me, at least not at this point in my life. I was involved in several projects with people whom I loved being around, and while I didn't make as much money, my heart was always, always full.

***

I think I've settled a bit in a full-time role that I see myself growing in. There's so much more to learn, but I'm glad to see that all my skills and past work experiences seem to converge in this path.

Let's see where this road leads.

***

In the last five years, perhaps because I was able to take a step back and look at my life, I realized I had a mild form of generalized anxiety.

I'd read about it before, mostly in Western articles I didn't take seriously then, but it didn't occur to me that there were words for how I'd been feeling. Perhaps it was because I had tangible things to worry about back then?

In any case, knowing the name for what I had gave me some form of control, and I've been able to find ways to manage it, thanks to friends who've been through it as well.

A friend recommended journalling, another suggested meditation. These days, the good moments far outnumber the anxious ones.

***

There is someone I am interested in.

I wish I had words for how I feel about this particular person, and maybe that way I can somehow manage myself.

He makes me anxious in a way I both want to run to and run away from, and I do not know what to do.

But everything is okay. My heart is open.